"The Office" Life Lessons

The TV show The Office, has taught me many things. Surprisingly enough, it also has many subliminal messages. Therefore, I have answered Dustin & Whitney’s TAG through various office quotes. Hope you find my real answer - in bold - and also get a good laugh! (It was actually pretty easy to find them all!)

A- ATTACHED?: Here's the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery.

B- BEST FRIEND: Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice: Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

C- CAKE OR PIE: “I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.”

D- DAY OF CHOICE: I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk! Waitresses - hot! Football, Cornell-Hofstra, slaughter! Then quick nap at my place, then we hit the tizzown.

E- ESSENTIAL ITEM: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

F- FAVORITES: “69 Cup-of-Noodles.”
“Which we realize sounds crass, but it is his favorite number.”
“And his favorite lunch.”

G- GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT: People say I'm the best boss. They go, ‘we've never worked in a place like this. You're hilarious, and you get the best out of us.' [lifts up 'World's Best Boss' coffee mug] Um, I think that pretty much sums it up. [pauses] I found it at Spencer Gifts.

H- HOUSE: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle.

I- INDULGENCES: Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale.

J- JANUARY OR JULY: “Today is Spring cleaning day, and yes I know it's January, I'm not an idiot, but if you do your Spring cleaning in January guess what you don't have to do in the Spring... anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind, well I say an empty desk means an...”
“Empty mind.”

K- KIDS: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

L- LIFE IS INCOMPLETE WITHOUT: Finishing that 5K was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I ate more fettuccini alfredo, and drank less water than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts, my heart and well I eventually puked my guts out. I never puked my heart out, and I am very proud of that.

M- MYSTERY or FANTASY: I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated.

N- NICKNAME: I kind of know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.

O- ORANGES OR APPLES: “I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.”
“Why don't you just eat an apple?”
“Why don't you just mind your own business?”

P- PIZZA TOPPING: OK, I have an announcement. Apparently in business school they don’t teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on "oven" instead of timing it for the toaster thing

Q- QUOTABLE QUOTE: “Could we share a rowboat? Could a rowboat support her?”
“What are you asking?”
“I think I'm being very clear, what I'm asking. Would an average size rowboat support her without capsizing? [long pause] It bothers me that you're not answering the question.”

R- REASON TO SMILE: I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just... we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It's okay. I am totally fine. Everything is going to be totally...

S- SMELLS: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don't have a butler I have to do it myself... so, most nights before I go to bed I will lay out 6 strips of bacon out on my foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped on to the grill and it clamped on to my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.

T- TEAM: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like...Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

U- UNKNOWN FACT: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

V- VACATION: "Okay, listen. I like you. I really like you. So much, in fact, that I would like you to accompany me on a trip to Sandals Jamaica."
"Nah.. I have school..."

W- WORLD WONDERS: “Little girl, in a field, holding a flower. We zoom back, to find, she's in the desert, and the field's an oasis. Zoom back further, the desert is a sandbox in the world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further, the hotel is actually a playground, of the world's largest prison. But we zoom back further…”
“Okay, um, I can tell that your time is valuable...”

X- X-RAY OR ULTRASOUND: Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her…life…they did the best that they could...and she is going to be OK…she has a slight pelvical fracture, but people have survived far worse.

Y- YOUR FAVORITE FOOD: Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you.

Z- ZOO ANIMAL: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.